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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28074993">When did it get so hard to feel?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>swiss.sides sibling au! [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Owl House (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with no happy ending because i like pain, fuckton of angst, i like angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:02:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28074993</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucia was a bad sister.</p><p>Her mom had told her this in a fit of rage that had yet to conclude, her many bosses over the years had mentioned this when she got angry at a customer, and more recently, her coworker had said it too. It made Lucia feel awful. She had tried to fix whatever had gone wrong, tried to strengthen their bond, yet she always ended up empty handed. And it made her feel disgusting. She felt horrid, constantly hurting her sister. But how could she stop? It’s all she knew.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>swiss.sides sibling au! [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When did it get so hard to feel?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi !! this is based off of swiss.sides on instagrams au where the beta designs are the siblings of their respective characters. for future reference, luz’s sister is named lucia, amity’s sister is named amelia, and willows sister is named wionna. unless swiss.sides adds any more to their au, these are the only characters that have siblings.</p><p>another note, my writing is... kinda shaky in the first few hundred words. i wrote this based off of a 3 am inspiration boost and it kinda starts out rough. it gets better! i promise! the writing becomes more fluid and poetic, and you won’t have to worry about the same writing style. ty for reading!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lucia was a bad sister.</p><p>A horrible, no good, atrocious sibling. Despite how much she cared and valued her younger sister, somehow, she ended fucking it up. Whether it be how selfish, or how vain, or how self absorbed she was, Lucia only caused pain.</p><p>Her mom had told her this in a fit of rage that had yet to conclude, her many bosses over the years had mentioned this when she got angry at a customer, and more recently, her coworker had said it too. It made Lucia feel awful. She had tried to fix whatever had gone wrong, tried to strengthen their bond, yet she always ended up empty handed. And it made her feel disgusting. She felt horrid, constantly hurting her sister.</p><p>Yet, somehow Luz never wavered. Much like the literal translation, she was a flamboyant, bright ball of happiness. Optimistic to a fault and will forgive anyone no matter the stakes. Lucia had yet to see Luz angry at a real person (this excludes the time she yelled at an anime for killing off her comfort character), and this treatment extended to Lucia as well. No matter what she did, Luz always forgave her. Lucia bet that if she killed a man in front of her sister, somehow she’d be let off the hook. Her sister was an impressionable, bursting ball of light, and Lucia was an awful role model.</p><p>But, Lucia couldn’t help it. She always came back to the wrong side of the train tracks, ending up on the dark side of her moral code. It was an addiction that withstood too many interventions. Her friends, her family, her sister, they all tried to keep her away. But she kept crawling back. Crawling back to the same woman with that one golden tooth, to the same wretched dog that barked and growled at her, to the same job that paid her to assault people.</p><p>It was awful, and she knew it. But no matter what, Luz would continue to push upon the redemption arc bullshit she saw on tv. It had dawned on her a few months ago that the only reason Luz kept trying to push her to change into an ‘upstanding, caring, and compassionate human being’ was because Luz saw her sister as a bad person.</p><p>That realization alone made Lucia feel empty.</p><p>After her mother continues to avoid her presence, after her boss continues to use her as nothing but a pawn, after her coworkers and friends continually distance themselves from her, Lucia’s only true friend was her sister. The only person she truly cared about was Luz. Yet still, her sister found her ruthless. She found her evil, cruel, and heartless. </p><p>It was moments where Lucia was in her sisters room where she noticed this the most. Underneath the dimly lit lamp and surrounded by posters of cartoon men and women alike was where Lucia felt the most estranged. It was the opposite of her life, the complete antonym of her being, yet Luz made her feel safe.</p><p>“Oh my god,” She’d say, accentuating every word more and more. Lucia would look up from her phone, bring herself away from her boss who had suggested a new job. Up to her sister whose name meant light, and she’d listen to her ramble. Listen to the shaggy haired, brown eyes girl talk about everything that happened in the latest episode. She’d rate the art she drew, comment on what she liked and bit back what she didn’t. For all the horrible things she’s done, Lucia would never insult her sister's art. Common decency, right?</p><p>“Lucia! Look!” She’d exclaim, showing her her phone screen. It might be a boy from her latest binge watch, or the girl she was infatuated with from her favorite cartoon. “Isn’t she so dreamy?” She’d ask, and Lucia would have to agree. Sometimes. She couldn’t really… enjoy the design of most of the male characters Luz showed. No matter the hair, build, or face. Didn't pique her interest as much as it should have. But, that was a much smaller matter than you’d think.</p><p>Lucia felt loved, in Luz’s room. She felt valued. Her friends had never showed her this compassion, fuck, her mom had stopped showing sympathy once she had gotten her second criminal charge. “You're growing into your father, mija,” Was her excuse. But nothing stopped Luz. An immovable force plowing through any object she could find, and Lucia adored her.</p><p>She was more of a role model than Lucia could ever be, and she hated it. It wasn’t jealousy, no, it was remorse. She was disappointed in herself for not having been a better sister, for letting her mom down, for ruining whatever relationship she and her sister had. It was a sadness she tried to avoid, hiding in her own fantasies. It was a grief she first experienced when she forgot her fathers name, or when her mother first broke down when she came home one time too late.</p><p>And now she was sitting in her own room, tears clouding her brown eyes, her nails digging into her knees. She could feel her breath hitch, a broken, visceral sob rising in her throat. She had lived in her childhood home for almost a year now, slept in her childhood bed almost every night, but she had never felt more distant.</p><p>She cried. Cried for hours on end. She tried to hide it, put her hand over her mouth and will it away. Wish for happy days, pray for a brighter future. She knew it was in vain, Lucia knew nothing would ever get fixed. If she tried to look in the near future, all she would see was a muddled and bleak world. She saw a sister who had given up and a mother who lost a daughter, people who once loved her turned spiteful.</p><p>And then her door opened.</p><p>“Lucia?” Her sister asked, an expression so painful that made Lucia hurt more, “¿Que pasó?” She asked, walking over to her sister. She crossed the empty room, sitting down across from her sister.</p><p>Lucia looked up, letting another tear fall down her face. “I’m so sorry, Luz.” She sobbed, sniffling. Another miserable cry bloomed in her chest, rising in her neck and choking up whatever words tried to escape. A disfigured apology hung in her mouth, shattering into thousands of pieces as she tried to tell her sorry. It was the first attempt she had ever made, yet she couldn’t even muster a word.</p><p>She felt her sister's arms wrap around her, the same warm hands curling over her back and pulling her close to her chest. Lucia smelled the scent of cinnamon that reminded her of her mother, felt the same tight hug of her father. It was a warmth that only pertained to her, and Lucia craved it.</p><p>“Did something happen today?” Luz asked, her voice but a gentle reminder that time still continued.</p><p>“No…” Lucia responded, wiping away any remaining tears in her eyes. Luz pulled back from their hug, and while Lucia couldn’t see it, she could feel Luz’s eyes seeking out her own.</p><p>“Then what happened? Was it work?” She asked, placing her hands on Lucia’s shoulders. The touch lingered on her shoulders, seeping into Lucia’s body. It made her want to lean in to her touch, but also flinch away. It was the warmth she craved, but she felt guilty for wanting it. Why did she deserve something she never showed back?</p><p>“I-It’s not work either… I was just— I’m just,” Lucia stammered, trying to find words she has lost a long time ago. Luz didn’t fill in the words for Lucia, instead being patient and letting Lucia do it for herself, “I’m guilty.” </p><p>After noticing a pause, Luz spoke up: “For what?” She asked, her eyes displaying a soft pain that made Lucia feel vulnerable, exposed. Like she was standing in an empty void, blind and unaware.</p><p>“For being a bad sister. I-I’m guilty for being a shitty role model and f—“ She choked up, letting out another grisly sob, “For being an awful sister a-and making you and mamá’s life so much harder. I-I’m always messing up and I’m always ruining everything and I can’t stop Luz. I-It’s like I’m trapped in this—this awful, horrible cycle and I haven’t been able to fix anything.” She rambled, her cries and whimpers only getting louder. Lucia’s voice trembled, her hands shaking in her lap. For once, Luz didn’t say anything. She didn’t comfort her, she didn’t give her advice that fixed everything. She just sat there, an emotion of raw, agonizing heartbreak spreading throughout her body.</p><p>“I feel awful, Luz. I need— help, but every-every time someone gives me it I can’t accept it and it makes me feel horrible.” She weeped, but again, Luz had no response. Lucia liked to think she was just mulling over the possibilities of what to say, ready to pull out a life changing but of empathy. </p><p>But… Nothing.</p><p>So they sat, serenaded by an empty girl's cries. At one point, Luz wrapped her arms around her sister, but the feeling wasn’t there. Instead of a genuine hug, it felt fabricated. As if it was an excuse. Maybe Luz just didn’t care anymore, or maybe Lucia had finally given up. Maybe she let the horrors of her life numb her. Maybe she finally gave in to her pain, letting her feelings become nothing but dull woes for life. Maybe Lucia had let the grief serenade her into submission, trading the little love she had left in her for a life without strife.</p><p>Even then, one thing remained. Lucia still felt hollow, she still felt empty. As if a void had creeped into her chest and threatened to take over her body. She couldn’t feel the turmoil of the world deep in her body, not even letting it get close enough to puncture skin. </p><p>Luz could feel it, her mother, while still trying to deny it, could too. They could feel their Lucia disappear, vanish into the night. They didn’t know how to help, Lucia didn’t even bother helping herself. So they watched as she slipped from their grasp, slipping past their warm fingers and into a vast expanse of a frigid void, slowly giving up and letting her fall to her own demise.</p>
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